Cone of Silence

last night. we had it all last night. last words, last thoughts, last everything.

and we finished reading our book. and we decided to put the story on its end. though for once we hoped it would not come to its end, though for once we wished our story has no end, we got to face it, every story ends, every story has its end and sadly, ours was not a "happily ever after" one. may we not forget our journey. may we not forget the trip, may we not erase the experience; the tears because of happiness and the laughter because of joy. may we not erase anything.

thanks. thanks for everything. thanks for even thinking that you were the right one.

sorry. sorry for everything. sorry for disappointing you and incidentally not making you the one.

i do not know how to cut this article. i still got a lot of readings to lament on. what else.. all i can wish is happiness. we both know that we’re not THERE yet. but we know we’ll be there, eventually.

and it slowly closes

and it slowly fades

and it slowly disappears

our book of love ends.

-the legacy of B&B ends-

AS LOVERS GO…

She said, "I've gotta be honest
You're wasting your time if you're fishing round here"
And I said, "You must be mistaken
Cause I'm not fooling, this feeling is real"
She said, "You gotta be crazy
What do you take me for, some kind of easy mark?"
"No, you've got wits, you've got looks
You've got passion, but I swear that you've got me all wrong"

All wrong
All wrong
But you got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through
This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting

And I said, "I've gotta be honest
I've been waiting for you all my life
For so long I thought I was asylum-bound
But just seeing you makes me think twice
And being with you here makes me sane
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side
You've got wits, you've got looks
You've got passion
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight"

Tonight
Tonight
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful
I'll be cavalier, I'll be yours, my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you'll just let me through
This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting

This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting

This is easy, as lovers go
So don't complicate it by hesitating
And this is wonderful, as loving goes
This is tailor-made, what's the sense in waiting

hello, hello. two days nang ala kuryente. hehe. buti na lang dito sa bulacan meron.

share ko lang mga naiisip ko. (from experiences, from sudden thoughts)

Maraming mga may-kaya/mayayaman/elite ang nagnanais pang makakuha ng mga iba’t ibang magagarang gadgets/bagay tulad ng bagong cellphone, sapatos, ipod, mp3, laptop o kaya’y kotse. totoo, diba? ‘pad ‘di nakuiha ang gusto, magtatampo, magdadabog, magcocomplain sa kaibigan o sa parents.

Maraming taong may reklamo sa buhay. Malamok sa ganyan, mahirap yung exam, matraffic, sobrang init at sang katutak pang hinanakit sa buhay.

yang mga yan, hinanakit ng may-kaya, mayayaman o mga elite.

ano ang hinanakit ng mahihirap? ano ang kagustuhan ng mga walang pera?

simple lang.  kagustuhang makakain ng tatlong  beses isang araw. gumising mula sa pagkakatulog na hindi proproblemahin ang kakainin. mabusog sa bawat butil ng kanin na hinahain ni nanay. makapag-aral. magkaron ng tirahan.

ilagay nyo ang sitwasyon nyo sa mga taong ganyan ang nararanasan. mahirap. at kung kamag-anak man kayo ng taong nakakaranas ng ganyan, masakit, mahirap. makikita mo na lang silang nanghihingi ng pagkain. sasabihing hindi pa sila nanananghalian. maaawa ka. maiisip mo na luho lang lahat ng nakapaligid sayo; ang cellphone, sapatos, mp3 at laptop. pero di pangangailangan. maswerte ka. di mo nararamdaman ang naramdaman ko nang makakita ako ng ganun. pasalamat ka, maayos buhay mo. nakakakain ka. may mtutulugan. yun lang, sapat na.

ayoko nang bumalik sa lugar na to. nasasaktan lang ako bawat panahong nakikita ko sila. nasasaktan lang ako bawat minutong naiisip kong wala akong magawa para sa ikabubuti nila. nasasaktan lang ako kung pano ako nagiging ‘inutil’ sa kalagayan nila. nasasaktan akong tanggapin ang katotohanan. naaawa ako sa mga batang yon. nasasaktan ako.

gulo na ng sinusulat ko.

basta.

pahalagahan mo kung anong mayroon ka. maraming batang di nakararanas nyan.

It’s been a while. I missed creating a post. Anyway, i spent the day with my family. We went to Tagaytay, took our breakfast, bought some stuff and went home. When we got home, i rushed to my room and i slept. i woke up, got head ache. sad.  Uhm. We watched X-Men: The Last Stand. It’s a great movie. astig kumbaga. Watch it. it’s fun.

zzzzzz.

it’s 1800 hours. I’m listening to this..uhm. old song. hehe. Love’s Just Ain’t Enough by Patty Smith. I remember when i was 4th year, i was singing that song everyday. i don’t know. uhm…I love the whole song but uhm.. i just want to share my favorite lines:

Now, I could never change you, I don’t want to blame you.
Baby, you don’t have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

I just had uhm.. few thoughts.. err.. *sigh*.

Well i don’t to blame you if you can’t really trust me. I have my flaws. err. But uh. I want you to know that i have my reasons. My own reasons why you should trust me and why you shoudn’t worry, and why i love you……

1. Bout our problem, I’m working on it.

2. Avianne will always be there. Even Mira.

3. I can’t find another you. Why will i do some stupid sh*t?

4. i don’t want to lose you. ’cause losing you means losing my life.

5. I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t. It won’t be easy. It will kill me too.

6. I want you to be always beside me and breaking your trust suggests the opposite.

7. You made me believe that there’s always a reason why i should face every difficulties that may come. And the reason is you. You’re worth fighting for. Have i told you that?

8. You simply ‘got a way with me’. You gave me faith to find my dreams. I want you to be there ’till the end and be my untiring hope.

9. You made me believe that the passion’s flame is still at its highest degree. hehe. I’m still falling in love with you every time i open my eyes when i wake up,  every time i talk to you, everytime i think of you.

10. I know that for other people, this may be bullsh*t, i don’t care. I love you and i want you to be my last.

***for the record… I want you to know… YOU CAN KILL ME WITH YOUR SMILE.

Please…. Believe me…. Believe in me.

player. makapagsulat nga tungkol sa mga players. hindi player ng basketball, volleyball o ano pa mang sports ang pwede niyong maisip. yung gusto kong talakayin ‘e yung mga taong nabuhay para mangloko at manakit ng kapwa. bakit nga ba sila tinawag na player?… ‘di ko rin alam. nauso na siguro yung terminolohiyang iyon na wala pa ‘ko sa mundo. ewan ko rin. players kasi alam nila kung paano laruin ang game. paano makipagharutan. paano paikutin ang kalaban. paano lituhin. paano pahulugin. paano lokohin. paano takbuhan pagkatapos ng lahat. paano nila natitiis yung mga pinaggagawa nilang yun? aba. ‘di ko rin alam. siguro sanayan lang. siguro natutuwa silang may nakikita silang nasasaktan nila. na uniiyak para sa kanila. yung tipong hahabulin sila pagkatapos ng lahat ng kawalangyaang ginawa nila. ‘di ko alam. o baka… yabangan din yun. pag maraming taong nahuhulog para sa’yo, wow, magaling ka. mabangis nga sabi nila. sabagay. sino ba naman ang may ayaw na masabihan ng "yan.. mabangis yan sa chix.." o kaya… "daming lalaking humahabol jan"…  ‘di ko pa rin lam kung iyon ang rason nila. pero sa kabila ng mga iyon, naisip ba ng mga humuhusga sa mga ‘players’ ang dahilan kung bakit sila ganoon? aba. ‘di ko rin alam. ‘di naman ako ang buong mundo. Siguro naging players sila dahil nasaktan din sila ng sobra. siguro naranasan na nilang maiwanan. at ang nang-iwan na yon, sobrang mahal nila. siguro naranasan na nilang maging mag-isa. siguro ayaw na nilang maranasan iyon. siguro ‘di na nila alam kung paano uli magmamahal ng tapat sa isa lang, ‘di na alam kung paano ibibigay lahat ng pagmamahal. dahil alam nila, pag binigay nila ang lahat, sa huli, sila ang WALA. sila ang luluha. sila ang masasaktan. sila ang mapapariwara. ayaw lang siguro nila maransan itong tatlong ‘to. sino ba naman ang gusto makaramdam niyan. ikaw, gusto mo?

meron namang iba na gusto na magbago. ayaw na matawag na ‘player’. siguro kasi nakahanap na sila ng katapat.  siguro handa na uli silang magmahal uli na kaya na nila uli ibigay ang lahat. alam niyo ba kung gaano kasakit yung tawaging player sa harap ng mahal mo? yung tipong alam niyang nagbabago ka na, tapos biglang hirit tong kaibigan mo, player ka raw. timpi na lang. masasapak mo na yung kaibigan mong iyon. alam niyo rin ba kung gaano kasakit yung nagbabago ka na, tinatanggal mo na yung karatulang ‘player’ sa noo mo, e hindi ka pa rin paniniwalaan? tipong ang lahat ng pagpupursige mong mabago ang image mo eh hindi pa rin nila naaappreciate. sabi pa nga nung isa, "work on it". aba, sino bang hindi kumikilos? sino bang di nagbabago? alam niyo ba ang pakiramdam ng lahat ng nabanggit? aba. ‘di ko rin alam.

sa tingin ko, ang karatulang "player" na nakalagay sa noo ng sinoman ay hindi social status. ito ay isang kahihiyan. kahihiyang dadalin mo san ka man magpunta. hindi ka sikat. oo, hindi ka sikat. di mo lang alam… asa ka.

kung sino ang may mga bansag na players? aba. ‘di ko alam.

wag kayo maniwala sa aking isinulat. lahat ng ito ay pawang haka-haka lamang.

kung bakit ito ang isinulat ko, di ko rin alam.

it’s 7:15 in the morning. i’m having a private message with alyssa, of course on ym. She’s in london. aba. londogueña na ang preseidente namin. malamig daw dun. tinanong ko pa kung kumusta mga boys dun. gwapo raw. yung rides din. kakatanggal daw talaga ng bituka. gusto ko rin makapaunta dun. nagtanong ako kung paano makapunta dun. madali raw kunwari tourist. tapos fixed marriage. ayus. 25,000 pounds naman ang bayad. 1 pound = 100 pesos. nakaw. bumalik ka na lang ng pinas. hay. humina ata ako sa economics/history/ap/civics nung tinanong ko yun. mas maganda kung sigurado. hehe. magtanong ka na sa may alam talaga, wag na magmarunong. hehe.walang kwenta ata ‘tong sinusulat ko……

ibang topic naman….

ang saya nung monday. ayus. hehe. kasama sila chard, riel, moya sa bahay nila ellein. ang saya. may na-op. hehe. may naligo ng sabay sa bagong banyo nila ellein. may nagkulong sa bodega. at may naiwan. hehe. ang saya talaga.

ang saya rin nung tuesday. ayus. hehe. dalawa lang. hehe. nasolo kumbaga. may bago kaming nadiscover na ano. ang hot. hehe. ang saya talaga. sana maulit..

teka.. yung splash island.. tuloy kaya? hehe. ang mga classmates ko, magaling na rin magplano. dati laging ako. ngayon may pakialam na rin sila. palibasa…. may mga kasama ring mahal sa buhay. hehe. cge… dito na lang…

eto. sabi ko magpopost ako. yung maganda. ngayong nakaharap na ‘ko sa pc, wala na ako mailagay. hai. nakalimutan ko rin kung ano ba dapat ang ilalagay ko. eto na lang. ‘tong blog na ‘to ‘e para sa pinakaimportanteng tao sa ‘kin ngayon… <uyy.. sino yun? hehe. kilala mo na kung sino ka.>

salamat. sa lahat. sa PAG-INTINDI sa mga pagkakamali. sa mga pagkukulang. sa mga pagsigaw ko. pag-init ng ulo. pagiging makasarili. pagiging insensitive. salamat, sobra. kinumpleto mo buhay ko. drama ba? hehe. totoo. madrama akong tao. kung bakit? siya lang nakakaintindi nun. salamat sa pagtanggap ng pagiging madrama ko. salamat sa binigay mong tatlo pang pagkakataon. tatlong beses na tayo nagbreak. salamat, sa 3 chances. buti hindi ka nakinig sa kanila, nung sinabi nilang "once is enough, twice is too much". salamat talaga. buti na lang maunawain ka. pasalamat ako, ikaw ang mahal ko. pano na pag yung iba. sabi mo nga dati, hindi na ko magiging masaya sa’yo, mas magiging malaya ako pag naghiwalay na tayo. Pero eto sasabihin ko sa’yo, hindi na ‘ko makakahanap ng tulad mo. binigay mo na ang lahat ng freedom sa’kin. ako lang ang umabuso. hindi ako nasasakal sa’yo. kahit kailan, hindi ako nasakal. tama lang ang ginagawa mo, hindi sobrang paghihigpit. pero may isang bagay na sobra mong ibinigay. eto ako ngayon, nananalangin. sana hindi mabawasan kahit konti yung sobra na yun. sana hindi mabawasan yung sobrang pagmamahal na binigay mo sa’kin. sa bawat paggising ko, nakasanayan ko nang maramdaman yun. salamat sa’yo. ikaw lang nagpadama sa’kin nun. salamat, sa sobrang pagmamahal na bingay mo sakin.

Sorry. sa lahat uli. kung tutuusin, yung mga dapat kong ihingi ng tawad eh yung nasa ’salamat’ part. bakit ko inihiwalay tong sorry? kasi alam ko, may mas dapat akong ihingi ng tawad. sorry, sa hindi-ko-mabilang-na-pagkakataon, nasaktan na naman kita. sana hindi ko na uli maririnig sa’yo yung "sorry na naman", "you’re not sorry". napakasakit nun. <langya, angel ang background music. naiiyak na ko. ayun, pumatak na.> kilala mo ‘ko. mataas din ang pride ko…pero sa ibang tao. alam mong hindi ako nagsosorry agad-agad. sana ‘wag mong babalewalain yung mga pagsosorry ko. sa’yo lang ako nagbaba talaga ng pride. sa’yo lang. kasi mahal kita. mahal na mahal kita. sorry, nasaktan kita ah. i’m sorry. your boink is sorry… sorry rin sa two promises na nasira. pero ayaw ko pa rin maniwala na promises are made to be broken. ayoko talga. patuloy akong mangangako sayo, mahal ko. patuloy pa rin kahit may mga nasira na. basta gagawa ako ng paraan, wag lang uli masira yung mga yun. i’ll be working on it. natupad ko na yung isang pangako ko. nasaktan kita ng sobra noon. nangako akong di ko na uulitin, kaya eto, hindi ko na inuulit. ayokong masaktan ka. kaya bigyan mo uli ako ng isang pagkakataon, paniwalaan mo sana ako sa sinabi ko, hindi na kita ipagpapalit ‘doon’. pangako.

humihingi rin ako ng tawad sa mga kaibigan niya. Avianne, Jen, i’m so sorry. nasaktan ko na naman ang kaibigan niyo.  hindi na mauulit. pramis.

mahaba na ata ‘tong nasulat ko. ang gusto ko lang mangyari eh patuloy pa rin tayong maglakad papunta doon. lam mo na kung saan yun. kaw lang ang nakakaalam. at kaw lang ang gusto kong kasama pagpunta dun. wala nang iba. sana hindi na kita masaktan. dahil nung nasaktan ka, nasaktan din ako. totoo to. lam mo kung ano dinaranas ko ngayon. pero sabi ko sayo, walang sayang na luha basta ikaw ang dahilan. hindi mo ko pinapatay, baka iyon ang iniisip mo. lagi mong sinasabi "bakit ka ba iyak ng iyak?".. ngayon ,eto, sasagutin ko. iyak ako ng iyak sa bawat oras na maiisip kong mawawala ka sakin sa ikawalang pagkakataon. ayoko na mangyari yun. naranasan ko na. kaya eto, magbabago ako. babalik na ako dun sa pauline na minahal mo noon. babalik na ako, para sayo. babalik ko na yung lambing na nararamdaman mo noon, yung mga uwi ko sayo, lahat, pwera lang yung mga masasamang ugali na nakasakit sayo. babalik na ‘ko dun, mahal ko. babalik ako dun, ngayon na.

PANGAKO.

deception. hehe. just want to talk about deception. what’s the point of deceiving others? what’s the point of pretending to be interesting? being fuuny? intelligent? pity. i pity those people. hay. kawaa-awa. they’re just fooling themselves… kawawa. tsk. grrness. my friend said "he is boring pretending to be interesting". yuckness. natawa naman ako. haha. halakhak. then one of my friends agreed. that guy pretends to be interesting. why? because HE IS BORING. hindi ko magets. baba ng IQ ko. d ko tlga magets. bakit kailangan magpanggap?… bakit di mo na lang ipakita kung sino at ano ka tlga?… bakit?… takot ka na baka walang magiging interested sayo? haha. cowdy custard kumbaga. you pretend to be strong, to be powerful, to be interesting. tigilan mo na. halata na. kaw ay isang taong mapagpanggap, mahina at hypocrite. stop fooling yourself. if you can’t believe in yourself for who you really are, who else would believe in you?… hai. PITY. ah… naisip ko.. i know why you’re playing to be somebody else… kasi… gusto mo makabingwit ng mga babae. haha. sino ba naman ang may ayaw sa sweet at interesting? haha… kawawang babae. magsasawa. kasi boring ka tlga. yuckness. haha. eto lang. be yourself pare. be yourself. let everyone love you for who you really are…

Uwi na ako.” I said, as gently as I possibly could. Then I saw tears falling from his eyes, and I felt weak and angry and frustrated - all at the same time. I wanted to retract those three words I just said, because I love him so much. “Cge, hindi na lang, mamaya na lang… nood tayo dvd sa inyo, gusto mo?,” as I desperately tried to wipe the tears from his eyes. I really wanted to go home, but I couldn’t, not with him broken like this. After spending one night and one whole day with him, sadly, it’s not enough. He wants to be with me forever. There was a time when a guy dumped me for another girl because he didn’t love me enough. Now here’s another guy I sometimes want to break-up with, not because he doesn’t love me enough, but because he loves me too much. Just like a person addicted to drugs and sex, he has become very dependent on me; and it’s making me sick. He loves me so much to the extent that he wants to be with me all the time. He loves me too much to the extent that he can’t function normally without me by his side. It may sound romantic, because it means he loves me that much. But the reality is I’m not touched at all; I can’t breathe. It’s tiring to be there for someone and lose time for yourself, your friends, and your family. It’s frustrating to be with just that one person more than ½ of your waking life, when you’ve got somewhere else to be and something else to do. I love him, yes. I understand I’m his girlfriend, his business partner, his best friend, his sister, his mother and his first love. But I’ve had enough of his crying like a baby when I tell him I want to go home. I’ve had enough of explaining to him why I can’t sleep over at his place every night; why I need time to be alone; why I like to spend time away from him sometimes. People think I’m dependent on him to give me confidence, because I’m always seen tagging along everywhere he goes. They think I’m this desperately needy girl, who clings to her boyfriend the way bubblegum sticks to hair or the way lice sticks to a dog’s fur. But they don’t know it’s the other way around. He is the one who clings to me, the way bloodsuckers stick to a person’s skin. And he is sucking the life out of me. He is the one who needs me to be there, desperately, it’s as if he’ll die when I’m not there. When I’m not there to inspire him, make him smile and give him strength. I need him too, but I can bear days without him by my side. My world would go perfectly OK, with or without him by my side. But his world wouldn’t go perfectly OK, and thats the problem. He wants me to be part of his life; consequently, I forget I have a life of my own. There are days when I’d willingly cancel my appointment with an old friend in order to spend time with him. I’d willingly spend the night at his house, even if my parents want to kill me already, just so I could hug and comfort him as he slept. There are times when I want to read in my own room and watch television in my own home, but I can’t because I’m with him in his world. I have to be with him because if I’m not, he’ll miss me so much he’ll get depressed. It is hard to leave him sometimes, even for a day or two. It gets harder every time to say goodbye, even for awhile, as I go to my own world and live. I am just 18, and he is 19. We’re only boyfriend-girlfriend. Someday, I would love to be his wife. I would willingly sacrifice my aspirations, in order to merge my dreams with his. I would obligingly forget the word “my” and “mine” and replace it with “us.” I would freely compromise my time just to reassure him he’s not alone. I am willing to do all that, someday, when I am his wife. Right now, I’m just his girlfriend. I want to be free, free in the sense that I want to have time for myself. It is only when I am alone can I think for myself. Only when I’m not with him can I assess our relationship and see things in a third person point of view. Only when we’re apart do I see and feel how much I miss him. Only then do I understand how much I love him. I’m his girlfriend. My time and my life - it is "mine", not "his". Days without him, means days where I am able to form my own identity. Hours without him means hours where I am able to interact with other people, and not be isolated from the rest of humanity. I am able to realize that I am an individual. Apart from being his girlfriend, I am also another person’s sister, daughter, classmate and friend. I wanted to leave him for good so many times. I’ve always felt the urge to run away from him and from our relationship. Now I understand why. It’s not that I don’t love him and I’m getting sick of him. I want to leave him because I feel I am turning into this empty person when I’m with him 24/7. I forget that I’m alive; and I have goals, ideas, principles of my own. Now I realize that days separating me and him are essential for the both of us. He is right. Loving someone doesn’t always mean letting that person go or setting that person free. But when will he realize that really loving someone means giving that person time to experience things on their own, giving that person space to grow, and air to breathe?

-end-

–copied from peyups.com. written by girlnafriend.

…i can say im being too dependent to the one i love… it’s hard. th fact, it’s killing me. i hope the one i love won’t leave me. i’d die. i don’t know how. but then i know i would.. don’t leave me. you’re my everything, remember?… i hope… you’ll never break your promises… that you’ll never get tired of understanding me… that you’ll never get tired of forgiving me… that you’ll never get tired of loving me… ’cause… i’ll never break mine…. :’(

hai.. uhm. naisipan kong magpost uli.. it’s been a while. dati lagi ako nagpopost.. hehe. ngayon.. la lang. anyway.. what will i write?. uhm. share na lang. before.. i was ‘devastated’. everything was not right. everything was not expected. those people whom i believed na hindi ako iiwan, they left. It was devastating, depressing. feeling of loneliness. hai. i have realized something… something wrong about happiness… you cannot hold on to it too long.. laging may kasunod… para san pa ang word na happiness kung wala ang sadness… para san pa ang antonyms.. ayun.. everything turned upside down. hai. buti na lang.. someone came.. someone helped me to stand… someone gave a hand… pasalamat na lang ako sa kanya… pangalanan natin siyang ‘rason’… hehe.. corny. uhm.. rason came. naging kami. mga… 1 month. ang haba. hehe. but then.. i realized… if you really love the person… let the person go if that person wants to.. kung para kayo sa isa’t isa… the person will come back to your arms.. ngayon… andito na uli siya sakin.. hai.. ang saya.. hehe… that one month relationship will be 12 months relationship… ang saya… ‘rason’ filled up my senses… i thought my heart was already rock solid… but ‘rason’ taught me that i can still bleed… thank you.. you know who you are…  hehe.. uhm.. rason, i know that there are times that i have let you down… lagi ata… pero now i tell you… i didnt mean to do those things… hindi ko sinasadya… masyado na kita mahal para saktan ka… there’s so many times, i have played around.. but hey, you know whom i really love… you know whom i really want… you know whom i really need…  hai.. thanks.. thanks for everything… thanks for singing my music… thank you for singing my song… thank you for letting me know where i really belong… hai… wala nang coherence tong ginawa ko.. hehehe… wala lang.. ge.. next time na lang uli… ciao ciao..